Dear Darling Anon,
I am not an expert of any kind, but I will share with you any kind of wisdom a 21 year old college senior who hasn’t changed out of her scottie dog flannel pajama pants in four days can impart.
First of All, and listen carefully here,
Don’t ever feel weird about your experience or lack there of, and don’t ever, ever feel like you are worthless or undesirable because of your experience or lack there of either.
That being said, I totally and completely understand where you are coming from. I got my first kiss my senior year of highschool, a year when most of my friends were losing their virginity, and here’s an important bit that no one ever tells you: Your first kiss will not be great. People, society, media whatever, tend to put all this emphasis on your first kiss and how special it is. I’m not saying your first kiss is meaningless; your first kiss will be as important as you make it, but rest assured, regardless of it being awful or amazing or with the “right”person or with the “wrong” person, your first kiss is not the defining moment of anything. It does not set the tone for your romantic or sexual life. Your first kiss is just that. The first but not your last.My first kiss was shit. It was with the boy I liked, but neither one of us knew what we were doing, and we didn’t work out. In fact, none of the boys I’ve kissed have ever really “worked out” if you will.
But that’s okay! I still kiss boys I think are cute or who have the good taste to think I’m cute. I used to be paranoid because I have no idea what I’m doing 99% of the time, and what if they noticed? What do I do with my hands? Which way do I tilt my head? How do I breathe?? WHOSE FUCKING TONGUE IS THAT??
The first thing you need to do, in regards to kissing, dating, sex, interacting with boys in general, is to relax. Enjoy whatever it is you’re doing! All of these things are supposed to be fun and enjoyable.
Here’s the thing about flirting:
Most people don’t even notice when they’re doing it. I’ve had friends point out to me that I’m flirting, and I’m just like, ???????REALLY??. Flirting is done mostly unconsciously. You’ve got a different smile/tone of voice/body language that the boy you’re talking to will pick up on on different levels and respond accordingly. And don’t be heartbroken if you actively try to flirt with a boy and he doesn’t respond. There’s a chance he didn’t pick up on your intentions or, and this sucks to hear but, there’s a good chance he’s not interested.
Here’s the key to romantic entanglements:
You are going to be rejected, and it will hurt.
There are going to be lots of people who will reject you on a variety of levels. Everyone from the boy you smile at in the coffee shop who just pointedly looks away to the first guy you get the guts to approach in a bar to the first serious relationship where the boy drops the rejection bomb and runs. I can’t tell you to not take it personally because it is the epitome of personal. You are going to be rejected for being you, and that sucks. It’s unavoidable and shitty, but keep in mind that you will do the exact same thing. There will be boys who hit on you that you have no interest in, there will be boys in your class that you would rather push in front of a bus than smile at, and one day you will have the unpleasant task of breaking up with someone. SO regardless, please remember: You are desirable. Many people will want to be all over you, physically and mentally. Just because that one boy you thought was the end all be all in your spanish class didn’t want you doesn’t mean that no one will ever want you.
Which leads me to my next big point:
Have Standards and never settle for the first person to ever show interest in you.
You are an A+ 10/10 person and you should never have to settle for the first boy to like you just because you’re afraid that no one else will. You deserve someone who wants you who you also want. It’s a two way street. If he’s a jackass who loves your smile, that’s nice. He’s still a jackass. And you deserve a sweetie pie who loves your smile and doesn’t treat you like shit.
That being said, don’t assume that every guy that’s interested is the one but don’t abstain just because you know they’re not the one. I use abstain very loosely. What I mean is, BOYS ARE FUN, SO USE THEM AND HAVE FUN WITH IT! Out of all the boys I’ve messed around with, let me tell you something, I’ve only had feelings for about 12% of them. I kiss boys I don’t want to date, boys I’m not really interested in, drunk boys I know I’ll never see again because I want to. That is entirely a personal choice. You can kiss any boy you want to or you can kiss boys you’re only really interested in or whatever and whoever makes you comfortable. That is entirely up to you and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Here’s a bit of personal honesty:
Most of the boys I’ve “whatever’d” with, I’ve done so because I wanted the experience. I did it for me. I don’t have a boyfriend, and I didn’t want to wait for one to teach me how to kiss. So I found different boys I was acquainted with and put my face on their faces. I taught myself how to kiss and I did it in a way that I was comfortable with. This might not be the method for you.
Here’s even more embarrassing honesty:
The first boy I brought home was a kid I hadn’t seen in four years since graduation, who I had a crush on in 8th grade, who was still cute and wanted to come home with me. When he took his pants off do you know what I was thinking? I was thinking ‘wow a penis, I guess I should take advantage of this and see how these things work’ not ‘wow this is gonna be magical, I’m gonna come so hard’. I literally brought this kid home because I wanted the experience of having a boy in my bed, and that night happened to have the perfect circumstances to make me comfortable.
Sexual and romantic shenanigans, in my experience, have been very intuitive. I embarrassed the shit out of myself with that boy I brought home, and that’s okay. It was a learning experience. You are gonna make mistakes. You’re gonna use teeth the first time you give a blow job, and you’re gonna fall off the bed when you’re trying to look sexy [true story], and you’re gonna text a boy too much or not enough, and you are gonna make an ass out of yourself and wanna die of embarrassment [multiple true stories]. But you won’t. You’re gonna become a fellatio queen and you’re gonna climb back up on that bed and rock his world, and you’re gonna find a boy who loves you regardless of your texting prowess or lack thereof.
So let me sum this up:
Your lack of experience or knowledge should never hurt you in a relationship. If a boy rejects you because you have the dry humping skills of a blind dolphin [true story] then he’s not the boy for you. If a guy doesn’t want to get involved with you because he “doesn’t do virgins” run away fast because that is what we like to call Grade A Douchebaggery, and he doesn’t deserve someone as fabulous as you. A good guy will either want to learn with you or, if he does happen to have more experience, then he’ll want to help you. Don’t ever let anybody, boy or girl, romantic interest or friend, shame you for lack of anything. You’re not less of a person or less worthy just because you haven’t done something or you’re not comfortable with something.
Ah wait I forgot to address dating
Okay so dating is this complicated thing, and it’s only complicated because everyone has a different idea of what it is. Some boys will ask you on formal dates. Some will actually use the word date. Some boys will go the informal route of studying together, getting fro-yo together, going to a party together. You will usually be able to figure out if it’s romantic or platonic by the time you reach the movie date or as I like to call it the “come over and sit on my couch while we watch a shitty movie and hopefully it’ll be so boring that you’ll wanna make out with me” date. Boys will generally make small moves. Moving closer to you on the couch, grabbing your hand, cuddling. They leave enough time and space for you to reject them, and feel free to if you feel uncomfortable! Never be afraid to just say, no, I’m not interested, or GOODBYE. If they treat you like shit when you’ve done any of the above, kick their scrub ass to the curb. My first date, which I had this year at the age of 21 so please never feel bad about age, was nice enough, but he kept putting pressure on me to make it a long-term relationship, and I didn’t like that. And I wasn’t attracted to him. And when he asked me, immediately after the date it should be noted, how I felt, and I told him I wasn’t interested, he turned into a complete asshole. Which was how I knew that I had made the right decision.
- Don’t feel pressured by anybody
- Don’t settle for assholes
- You are beautiful and fabulous and desirable
- Don’t do anything you are not comfortable with
- You work on your own schedule; don’t let anyone tell you you’re ready when you’re not
- Rejection is a a necessary evil
- You are not a car; your value never decreases
- Accept that the universe sucks and odds are good that sexy fun time shenanigans are gonna happen when you’re least expecting it [aka when you haven’t shaved your legs or you’re wearing your Costco granny panties or you have a six page paper due at midnight but JFC he’s so good with his hands [true story, happened twice with the same guy actually]]
- Boys are just as awkward as you are; don’t let them tell you differently
- Speaking of, don’t laugh if they come in their pants or some other penis mishap occurs.
- ALWAYS USE PROTECTION
- Don’t be afraid to ask him to get tested
- listen to your gut; first instincts are good ones
- don’t be afraid to try new things
- It’s not about working outside of your comfort zone; it’s about broadening your comfort zone
- Boys aren’t scary; they are people, and they have feelings and they make mistakes, and they are not better than you just because they can do that thing with their tongue.
- ENJOY YOURSELF. YOUR COLLEGE EXPERIENCE, YOUR LIFE, YOUR TOP PRIORITY IS YOU.
- And don’t be afraid to ask for help or advice, from me or whoever else.
I hope this helped dear anon, and I wish you plenty of luck as you approach your college years!!